I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize