he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
