Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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