I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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