UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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