I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i would one night stand the shit outta him
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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