Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
