cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Randomize
