dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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