I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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