that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
