I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
