Already got asked if we're dating
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
