I accidentally burped into my bong.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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