I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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