And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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