Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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