We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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