so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
