I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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