Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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