Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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