Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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