I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
