Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
