I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize