you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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