gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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