The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
