to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize