That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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