your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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