She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I don't deserve a penis
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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