If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
