Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
