Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
