WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
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