My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i came on her dog
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
