Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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