My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
