He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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