I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize