So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Randomize
