And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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