Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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