Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I think people are normalizing furries
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
