I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
