I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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