you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
