3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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