I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize