I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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