Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
