No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
false alarm. still invincible.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm just crazy horny about you
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
