Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize