OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
