just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize