it was like his penis was on wheels.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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