On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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