every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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