just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
