You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
