Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
