I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
