u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
