You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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