our cab driver is having phone sex.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
