I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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