I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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