I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
